I’ve limited my list to only those reasons stated by Obama’s official campaign, an administration spokesperson, or uttered by President Obama himself.
Here we go.
10. Will Ferrell will eat anything (“garbage, hair, human toenails”) if you vote for Obama. The idea of using your civic duty to pay for the degradation of a fellow-man is funny, right?
9. Mitt Romney wants to cut investments in alternative energy. For this reason to make sense, then cutting investments in alternative energy must be a bad thing. Nevermind the fact that cronies are wasting other people’s money; you have to think like a true believer here.
8. President Obama coined the term “Romnesia,” which is both witty and devastating for Mitt Romney, because he forgets things. President Obama doesn’t forget things. Except maybe this or this . . . or this. Also, it appears Obama didn’t coin the term after all. Hmm, maybe I should move on.
7. Who can forget Attack Waaaaatch? Okay, technically the campaign used only one “a” for this nifty little idea to tattle on fellow citizens who criticize the President. Nowadays, though, the parody is all that is left of the original website. The more congenial “Truth Team” has replaced it, leaving only the website address as a reminder of bolder times.
6. Obama says you should vote for him for one very simple reason: revenge. I’m sure this is not any attempt to foment class resentment or anything. It’s not class warfare, it’s math. Revenge math.
Hoo, I’m halfway through already? It must be time to list the really substantive reasons why President Obama should be reelected . . .
5. All vaginas and uteri depend on Barack Obama. Maybe this notion sounds silly to you. If so, let me explain its true meaning: President Obama is zealously pro-business, assuming your business is an abortion clinic.
4. If this election is your first, then you should vote for Barack Obama because your first vote is a lot like the first time you have sex. And having sex with Obama is better than having sex with Mitt Romney. Okay. I need a shower now.
3. Obama should get your vote because his speeches come from his loins. Ew, I’m still needing that shower. Maybe . . . this isn’t really a reference to presidential genitals. I mean, who talks about loins anyway, outside a cheesy romance novel? You know, “Girding your loins“ means preparing for the worst. I think Axelrod accidentally telegraphed the fact that Obama is preparing to lose.
2. Obama is willing to use expletives while publicly name-calling his opponent. This is a great reason for the edgy, Rolling Stone-reading, first-time voting, rock-and-roll-lifestyling set to choose Obama, assuming they weren’t all won over by Lena Dunham’s sex joke.
Oh dear. I have more than one reason left, but I’ve already reached the number one. What to do, what to do? Math is so hard.
The three number one reasons to vote for Obama:
1(a). The beautiful people have told us to vote for him. They have way more fashion sense than we do, you know.
1(b). Osama bin Ladin is still dead.
1(c). Obama says that Al Qaeda has been “decimated.” Given the chance, Ambassador Stevens, Tyrone Woods, Glenn Doherty, and Sean Smith might have begged to differ on this. Prayers for their grieving loved ones.
Two more days to go, folks. Two. More. Days.