The Bamster vs. the Newtster

23 Jan

Here is an excerpt from a Presidential debate that you will never see on TV moderated by none other than your humble blogger, John D’Oh.

John D’Oh:  Mr. President, as the incumbent let’s start with you and your record on the economy. Your stimulus bill created almost $1 trillion in spending and debt, yet the economy is limping along, unemployment including discouraged workers is over 16% and the federal deficit is out of control for the indefinite future. How do you defend these policy failures?

Barack Obama: Let me be clear. First of all, these are not failures. My policies have been a great success. We now have more people on food stamps and long-term unemployment than ever before. Creating dependency is hard work and I need four more years to complete the job. It isn’t easy crushing business investment and business formation in order to protect the little guy from being taken advantage of by non-union employers who would expect people to work in order to earn money. Since I and no one in my Administration had any experience in private business it took longer than expected to learn how to thwart business growth. Fortunately for the American people I am a quick learner. My policies prove that big, transformational government works for the average American. Just look at GM and the blazing success of the Chevy Volt.  After billions in subsidies, only the batteries are catching fire.

However, bailouts can’t just go to fat cat Wall Street types who give me huge political campaign contributions. I inherited the worst economy since the Great Depression and that was Bush’s fault. It is a race baiting myth that Democratic control of Congress after the 2006 mid-term election had anything to do with our spending and deficit problems.  In order to address the deficit problem that Bush left the country saddled with I had no choice but to create as much debt in 3 years as he did in 8 years. Bush’s deficits hurt the economy because the Republicans are racist, mean-spirited, misogynistic, homophobes. My deficits are investments because they helped me buy votes from the Democratic Party constituent base. If you believe otherwise you are a racist who does not want to spread the wealth by investing in people.

JD: Mr. Gingrich, your response to the President’s answer.

Newt Gingrich:  I am glad you asked that question. In the global scheme of things, the big picture requires expansive, broad-based, creative thinking about the economy and the changing concept of unemployment, the evolving role of the federal government, world class insights for new economic growth scenarios and fundamental, individual-centered, choice optimizing entitlement reform. Racism is an outmoded construct not suitable for a post-industrial, new era, dynamic, global economy. I am clearly the smartest man in this debate.

JD: Yes, but what would you do?

NG: I would think in large, cosmic, broad-based, global terms. I will pontificate more. That will solve our problems. That and illuminating interstate highways with giant mirrors in outer space.  It is better to illuminate a highway than to curse the darkness.

JD: Mr. President, your reaction to Mr. Gingrich’s comments.

BO: Was that reference to darkness a racist comment? I am the smartest man in this debate. I went to Columbia and Harvard and I have the transcripts I won’t release to prove it.

JD: Mr. Gingrich, the next question goes to you. Let’s turn to foreign policy. The Obama Administration has alienated our two closest allies, Israel and Great Britain; it has kowtowed to terrorist regimes and led from behind on all issues. What would you do to restore America’s role as leader of the free world?

NG: I am glad you asked that question.  In the global scheme of things, the big picture requires over-the-horizon, broad based, threat deterring, creative thinking about complex, highly intertwined international relations, questions of war and peace, and paradigmatic shifts from outmoded thought processes to new intellectual models for understanding and resolving conflicts between nations and non-state actors before the critical mass of a violent threshold is reached.

JD: Mr. President, your response to Mr. Gingrich.

BO:  Let me be clear. If you believe that you are a racist. It is Bush’s fault that people of color hate us. I even hate us for them. Rev. Wright was correct, G** D***America.  The Zionist Entity has thwarted the legitimate aspirations of the Palestinian people by not shelling them the way Hamas shells the Little Satan from Gaza. Very tricky that Netanyahu. Michelle has every reason to be an angry black woman and I have hell to pay when I sneak out for a burger with Plugs, I mean Vice President Biden.

JD: Mr. Gingrich, your response to the President’s comments.

NG: Giving people of color around the globe the opportunity to be a school janitor would get them on the first rung of the competitive, high-tech, globalized employment ladder. America needs to be the foremost leader in pursuing creative modalities of worldwide custodial outreach. We can not afford to lead from behind on this far-reaching, critical issue.

JD: Mr. Gingrich, any final thoughts?

NG:  Thank you, I am glad you asked that question.  In the global scheme of things, the big picture requires intense, broad based, creative thinking and paradigmatic shifts from outmoded thought processes to new, far-reaching, fundamentally different intellectual models. That will solve our nation’s most fundamental, abstract problems. That and more pontificating.

JD: Mr. President, any final thoughts?

BO: It’s Bush’s fault. Republicans are racists and cling to their guns and Bibles.

JD: Thank you gentlemen and may God Save America.

1 Comment

Posted by on January 23, 2012 in politics


One response to “The Bamster vs. the Newtster

  1. P. Henry Saddleburr

    January 23, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    That’s the kind of bold, incisive, results orientend posting this blog so badly needs. It’s innovative, it’s creative and it requires the full attention of the readers to validate its broad based appeal.


    It was wickedly racist. Or something.


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